When you're gone
by LadyAshh
Summary: Based off of a post off tumblr (Not my idea) AU: Castle is killed one month after their wedding. She quits the NYPD, because everything reminds her of him (I suck at summaries sorry) There is major character death. Clearly. - Now complete.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So I saw this post on tumblr with this idea and I decided to write it… And yes I like to use songs to start and end my fics… It's my thing. Best way I express myself, through song. So I'll just leave this here…. *hides***

_Together can never be close enough for me_

_To feel like I am close enough to you_

_You wear white and I'll wear out the words I love you_

_And you're beautiful_

_Now that the wait is over_

_And love has finally showed her my way._

_**Seven days after:**_

This could not be happening again. The tears stung her eyes as she walked through the cold, empty hallway, barely breathing. She played with her ring on her left, fourth finger, trying to gain strength from the silver band. Why was the world doing this to her?

She wiped at her face to clear the tears and clear her vision, sucking in a sharp breath, she stopped at the heavy metal doors. She shut her eyes and held her breath, trying to calm her nerves. She wished he was here and he could hold her, tell her that everything would be okay, but he wasn't and she would have to deal with that.

She slowly pushed open the doors, stepping into the dark room. It was cold and empty and filled her with dread. Why did she come here? She needed the closure, she reminded herself. He needed to know. So she moved to where he was, in the middle of the room.

_**4 days before:**_

"Castle! Get down here!" She yelled up the stairs, hands on her hips.

"Coming! I'm coming!" He yelled back, stumbling down the stairs half dressed.

"We're going to be late." She scolded, buttoning up his shirt, while he tried to fix his hair.

"Well if _someone_ hadn't decided to walk around completely naked today, we wouldn't have a problem." He retorted.

She blushed, knowing it was his fault why they were late. It was the last day on their month long honeymoon in the Caribbean and she wanted one more day to drive him wild, without any distractions or interruptions. So she teased him, walking around the house butt naked, acting like the complete picture of innocence when he asked what she was trying to do. Of course, he couldn't last long before he attacked her and proved his love for her, right on the kitchen counter.

"That's what I thought." He teased, "What time is the flight anyway?"

"In about an hour." She told him. The airport was an hour away and if they missed this flight, they wouldn't get another until the next week and she was due back at work in two days.

"Got all the stuff out in the car?" He asked, looking around.

"Got it." She confirmed.

"I'm gonna miss this place." He said, looking nostalgic.

She went up on her toes and pressed a light kiss to his lips. "Me too, but we gotta go."

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Somehow, they had managed to get to the airport in half hour and were boarded and seated on the plane with five minutes to spare. Of course everyone knew Rick and he got privileges everyone else couldn't and of course being married to him, those privileges were extended to her as well.

As the place taxied the runway, she gazed out the window, already missing the warm weather and clear beaches, not to mention the friendly people. She felt a nudge on her shoulder and turned to him.

"We can always come back." He whispered.

"We really should." She turned her eyes back out the window as the plane picked up speed and launched into the air. She leaned her head back on the seat, closed her eyes and gripped the armrests. She hated this part, when the plane took off. It was always her fear that the plane would fall right out of the sky as it dipped and turned and tried to gain altitude.

He draped an arm around her shoulder and she turned and pushed her face against him, letting him calm her fears, not afraid to hide them from him anymore.

"We're at level." He whispered in her ear, rubbing her arm lovingly.

She sat up and smiled at him, leaning over for a kiss, "Thank you."

She looked out the window, at the clouds below the plane. They were endless, just like Castle's love for her and her love for him. She couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with him, it had taken them four years to get to relationship status and another two to get married. She was done waiting and being cautious, she was all in and so was he. She couldn't wait to have his children, to walk around in his clothes because hers were too small. She wanted it so bad and nothing _nothing_ was going to stop her. She smiled as she interlaced their fingers and drifted off to sleep for the rest of the ride.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

She was brought out of her sleep by the feeling of warm, wet kisses along her jaw. She blushed as an involuntary breathy moan escaped her lips. She couldn't help it, she was just so charged for him. Anytime he touched her, her skin was on fire, she felt like she might explode.

"We're home." He rasped into her ear, his stubble scratching her jawline.

"Castle, if you don't stop that, we may get arrested for indecent exposure…" She breathed, feeling aroused. She needed to get home and get him alone. It had only been six hours, but six hours too long.

He backed off and stood to collect their carry ons and followed Kate as they walked off of the plane. After going through all the checkpoints, they stepped out of the airport in the cool October air. She drew her jacket tightly around her and shivered. It wasn't that cold, but her body had been so used to the warm weather of the Caribbean, this was a bit of a shock for her.

"There's the car." He pointed at a black Lexus, parked a little while away, with his driver Paul leaning against it, scanning the crowd for them. When he saw them, he immediately jumped in the car and drove over to them.

"So sorry to have you waiting in this cold weather." He took their luggage and placed them carefully in the back on the car and opened the door for them

"It's okay Paul, we weren't even here for a minute, just get us home." Castle told him, sliding in beside Kate in the backseat of the car.

"Sure thing sir." Paul closed their door and ran around the car to the driver's side, starting up the car and driving them home.

They reached home in another half hour and Castle left Paul with a generous tip. Fuelled from the teasing from the plane, she shoved Castle against the door and kissed him hard, her hands creeping up under his shirt, smiling as he moaned into her mouth.

"Take me to bed Mr. Castle." She growled, dipping her head to suck on his neck.

"No problem."

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

_**2 days before:**_

"Hey! Look who's back!" Ryan grinned as they entered the bullpen.

"Well if it isn't Mr. and Mrs. Castle." Esposito teased.

Beckett rolled her eyes and grinned back at the boys. "I'm still your boss, in case you forgot."

The grins dropped off their faces as she threatened them without words to stuff them with endless paper work.

"Good to have you back Beckett." They mumbled, turning back to their work.

"Beckett?" Castle raised an eyebrow.

"We can't both go by Castle here, that's too confusing. So I'll be Beckett here, but you know that in every way, I am a Castle." She breathed the last part of that sentence, hinting at something more.

"Oh definitely." He squeaked.

"So boys! Got anything?" She called to them.

"Just wrapped a case actually." Esposito informed her raising a file of paperwork he was filling out.

She nodded and turned back to her desk, catching up on what she missed out on as Castle settled in his seat, pulling out his phone to play games. He was such a man-child sometimes, but he was hers and she'd love him until death do them part.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Hey girl, how you doing?" Lanie asked, pulling her in for a tight hug. It was the first time she was seeing her ME friend since she came back and since she had no case working on, she thought she may as well pop down to see her friend.

"Fantastic" She grinned.

"How's the married life treating you?" Lanie inquired, just a bit jealous of her and Castle's relationship.

"I love him so much Lanie, it's great." She gushed, her face turning red.

"I would hope so, you did marry him." Lanie laughed.

They spent the next hour catching up on each other's lives. Lanie filling Kate in about her and Esposito's relationship and Kate filling Lanie in on the privileges of being married to Richard Castle.

"Girl, we should have a party. Tonight at the old haunt? You, me and the boys, how's that sound?" She suggested.

"That's sounds great Lanie." She agreed.

At that moment her phone rang and she answered with her usual greeting.

"Beckett," she listened for a while nodding, "Yea, sure I'll be right there." She ended the call and looked up at Lanie.

"Got a case, we'll see you later?" She asked.

"Later, Mrs. Castle." She teased.

"Oh shut up." She grinned as she made her way out of the morgue and back up stairs. She almost ran into Castle, if he hadn't reached out and stopped her.

"Hey! Castle what are you doing here?" She asked surprised.

"I was looking for you."

"Well, you found me. What's up?" She stepped aside, leaning against the wall.

"I have to go to a meeting with Gina, something about book promotions or… whatever. So I was coming to tell you I have to head out."

"Okay, sure. Listen, Lanie wants to have a celebration tonight at the old haunt, think you can make it?" She asked him.

"Definitely, I'll see you there." He leaned down to give her a soft kiss. Just as he was pulling away, she grabbed his shirt and pulled him to her against the wall, running her tongue along is lips, which opened with a moan. Her tongue plunged into his mouth, warm and wet. She moaned as he bit down on her lip and jerked her hips forward.

He pulled away gasping. "I think we'll finish this later Mrs. Castle."

"You bet Mr. Castle." She growled into his ear.

"I better get going." He said, backing away slowly, his eyes locked with hers. Dark and filled with want. Oh she could not wait until tonight.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"He did not!" Ryan exclaimed, sounding very much like a teenaged girl.

"He did!" Lanie confirmed, despite a pouting Esposito's protest.

"Dude, I need to see that video." Ryan chuckled.

"No one's seeing anything. I'm gonna burn that thing." He mumbled.

"You? Sleep dancing to single ladies? You wouldn't!" Ryan choked, trying to hold back his laughter.

Esposito just shot him a glare.

"Hey, where's your man?" Lanie asked Kate, who was staring at her phone.

Her brows furrowed, "I don't know, I've been texting him all night. He was supposed to be here an hour ago…" She bit her thumb, feeling worried.

"Don't worry, he'll be here." Lanie placed a hand on her friend's shoulder, trying to ease her tension. She smiled at her.

"Yea, I guess you're right." She said weakly.

But she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. He always answered her calls and in the case he couldn't, he would always send her a text explaining why. She couldn't figure out why he wasn't answering her now.

A dreadful feeling settling in the pit of her stomach as she stood abruptly, gaining the attention of the others around her.

"I'm gonna … I'm gonna go over to the loft, make sure everything's alright." She said, squeezing her way out from the booth.

"Castle, where are you?" She whispered to herself as she dialled his number again. Voicemail.

She hailed a cab and gave him directions to Castle's loft. Five minutes away from the loft her phone rang. She looked down, relieved when she saw Castle's face. She was ready to scold him for being so late, not answering his phone and making her worried sick.

"Castle, you better have a good explanation." She snapped.

"Is this Mrs. Castle speaking?" an unfamiliar voice asked. She drew the phone back from her ears, double checking to see if her eyes had been playing tricks on her and it wasn't Castle's face she saw on her caller I.D. It was. That feeling of dread worsened as her heart picked up speed.

"Y- Yes, it is. Who is this?" She spoke through the lump that was forming in her throat.

"This is Dr. Bailey from the New York Presbyterian Hospital." The voice spoke.

She couldn't breathe. This was not happening. The voice on the phone was not going to tell her what she was thinking.

"Ma'am, there has been an accident."

_Well I just heard the news today_

_It seems my life is going to change_

_I close my eyes, begin to pray._

**End A/N: So the songs I choose for these fics don't necessarily have anything to do with the topic I'm writing about, I just pick a verse that will. Like the end song is "With arms wide open – Creed" which is about him hearing he was going to be a dad… But I used that verse, for this context. But yea, I just want to see how this is taken, if I should continue… **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Bit of Castle's perspective here… This story is making me sad. Why did I decide to write this?**

_Never thinking 'bout what I was doing_

_I turned around and before i knew it_

_Here comes this truck now._

He had been driving to the Old Haunt, ready for the celebrations to be put on by their medical examiner friend, but as fate would have it that was not how it was meant to go. He had stopped at a traffic light outside of the Black Pawn offices, smiling to himself as he lost himself in thought about his wife. She was his wife now, Beckett was his wife, and he would never get tired of saying that.

He closed his eyes and thought back to their month away, about how beautiful she looked walking down the aisle in a stunning white dress, with eyes only for him. He relished in the memory of their vows, how she was tearing up so much she couldn't even finish saying her own and finally when they were pronounced husband and wife, everything he had every wanted. He knew he did this one right, she was his one and done and he would do everything in his power to make this marriage work.

He thought about their first dance as a married couple, how they fit so perfectly together, like they were made for each other. They had only had eyes for each other, there was no one else in the room but them and their undeniable love.

That night had been even better than he imagined, he had no idea she was so… _flexible. _She had been holding out on him, which made him want to take her in every way all night and that he did. There wasn't much sleep that first week, it was spent showing the other just how much in love they were. Then came the walks on the beach, the endless cuddling, the couple-y banter, the gentle love making.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by a horn blowing loud behind him, he had been so deep in thought he hadn't realized the traffic light had switched to green. Eager to see his wife, he stepped on the gas. The road was fairly empty when he heard his phone ringing, he stuck his hand in his pocket for it, but it wasn't there. Keeping one hand on the wheel, he felt around on the floor searching for the phone.

Suddenly there was a flash of bright light in his rear-view mirror, blinding him, causing him to serve. Then there was a loud horn blowing and then he was spinning. The truck had run straight into the back of his car, sending the car into a series of somersaults before twisting itself around a light post on the passenger side.

By some miracle he was still conscious, but barely. He felt the warm sensation of blood streaming down his face and he could feel his head swimming. He was losing grip of consciousness as the pain ran through his body.

"Kate…" He whispered as his eye slipped shut and darkness took him.

He became aware of bright lights flashing behind his eyelids, he could hear people talking, but not the voice he needed.

"Concussion…"

"Bleeding in the brain.."

"Serious damage…."

"Not gonna make it…"

He fought with everything he had to open his eyes and prove all these theories wrong, but his eyes just wouldn't open. He was in so much pain and where was Kate? He just wanted her, what was going on? Why couldn't he open his eyes? He just wanted his wife to hold his hand and tell him everything would be okay, but as he felt himself being rushed off somewhere with endless lights flashing against his eyelids, he didn't think that was happening. The flashing lights finally ended and he was plunged into darkness, more darkness than there already was behind his eyelids.

"Induced coma …"

"Call the family…"

"Goodbyes…"

"Not gonna make it…"

There were those words again, "Not gonna make it", he had to, he had to fight whatever it is that's holding him down, he had to open his eyes for his family and his friends, he couldn't leave them.

"Mr. Castle, can you hear me? Squeeze my had if you can." He heard from a distance.

This was the chance he had to prove he's still here and he was going to make it, except… He couldn't feel anything. He felt so disconnected from his body, he couldn't move anything and now he was panicking. He was alone in his mind and he felt himself slipping away but no! He needed Kate! Damnit! Where was she!

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Where is he?!" She burst through the doors of the hospital.

"Mrs. Castle?" A nurse stood.

"Yes. Where is he? Where is my husband?" She asked the nurse through gritted teeth.

"I must warn you ma'am, he's not in the best state."

"I don't care what state he's in! I need to see him! NOW!" She yelled at the nurse, too worried and frightened to feel bad as the nurse visibly shrank back.

"Right this way."

She followed the nurse down the longest hallway she had ever been in. The nurse drew to a stop outside a door and placed her hand on the doorknob, turning to face her.

"I'm sorry, I must tell you before you go in, Mr. Castle has been unresponsive since he came in." She informed Kate apologetically.

"Just open the door." Kate demanded.

The nurse obeyed and twisted the knob and pushed the door open.

"I'll give you some privacy. Dr. Shepherd should be here shortly to inform you on the extent of his injuries." The nurse smiled sympathetically and made her way back down the hallway, leaving Kate to face her husband alone.

She took a deep breath, attempting to keep her emotions under control and she stepped up to the open door, bracing herself for what she was about to see. However, no amount of preparation could have prepared her for what she saw. Her breath stopped as she looked at him. Everywhere was bandaged. His two legs were in casts and elevated, his right hand was also in a cast, his left hand got away with just heavy bandaging. His head was wrapped heavily in gauze and his entire face was swollen. He didn't look like he could open his eyes if he wanted to, they were swollen shut, his lip was split and puffy and he had a nasty bruise on the left side of his face.

She felt the tears welling up in her eyes as she looked at her husband. This was worse than she thought, he looked so fragile and helpless. She crossed the room and sat on his left side, taking his left hand into hers, gently so as not to hurt him.

"Castle?" She whispered squeezing his hand, "Castle, it's me. Can you hear me?"

No response, not even a squeeze.

"Castle, don't do this. You can't do this, please wake up." She sobbed.

Her sobs filled the room, along with the slow beating of his heart.

"Damnit Castle! Please give me something! Anything! I need to know you can hear me!" She cried, resting her head on his chest, letting the tears flow out of her, shaking her body vigorously.

"I'm afraid he can't Mrs. Castle." She heard a voice say. She looked up to find a man, dressed in scrubs, holding a clipboard looking at her sadly.

"Why not?" She asked, looking down at her husband, wishing he would just open those eyes.

"I'm afraid he was involved in a nasty accident. A truck driver was drunk and speeding, ran right into Mr. Castle. I'll spare you the details for now. But, we took a look at him and it seems the damage was mainly to his brain. There is massive swelling and bleeding and we were unable to control it…"

He paused, allowing her to process the life changing news she was hearing.

"I suggest you call in the rest of the family… It's only a matter of time until –"

"Don't say it." She hissed.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Castle but we did everything we could. We can't keep him on life support forever. You have to say goodbye."

She turned to look at her husband, only now realizing that it was a machine keeping him alive and that he wasn't here anymore. Her body crumpled against his and she cried.

"No! No! Not like this! Castle you promised! Don't do this!" She screamed.

Dr. Shepherd at this point summoned a nurse to contact the rest of the family and possibly look into sedation for Kate.

"Castle, please! Come back okay? We'll grow old together, we have so much to do. Castle, please…" She choked, crying into his chest.

She spent the next 15 minutes willing him to come back, peppering kisses over every inch of skin she could find, hoping that would bring him back, but nothing was working.

"Kate!" She heard and felt a pair of arms wrap around her as she continued pouring herself out on Castle's chest.

"Oh Kate, I'm so sorry." She recognized the voice to belong to Lanie.

"Dad!" The voice caused her heart to break even more. The red head appeared quickly beside her and broke down.

"Dad! No!" She cried.

Martha followed shortly after and then Ryan and Esposito and her father. Ryan and Esposito stood to the right side of the bed, not even bothering to hide the tears that escaped. Lanie had not left Kate's side since she entered the room, holding her friend, trying to comfort her as she stared blankly at Castle's face. Her father stood on the other side of her, whispering reassuring words to her, but she couldn't hear. Her mind was far away, with him. She looked at his, his face was so empty, so cold. There was no sign of his usual grin, that grin that could do so many things to her. She would never hear his voice again, never see those blue eyes again. She would never have his arms wrapped around her again, never make love to him again. This was not happening.

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

He was trying, trying so hard to just move his lips, his eyes, his hands, to let her know he was here, but he couldn't, he couldn't feel anything. He heard her enter to room, heard the doctor explain what happened, he hadn't even remembered. He heard her break down at him, yelling at him to come back and oh he wanted to so badly, but he couldn't. He heard everyone else come in, but he was slipping, everything was going silent and dark. This was it, he knew it and he didn't even get to say goodbye. Somewhere in the distance he heard the finalizing words.

"Time of death?"

"11:47pm."

_Doctor said don't think he gonna make it_

_Family said make the funeral arrangements_

_Unplug the machine he's gone now _

_Then told my wife to be strong now_

**End A/N: Even I hate myself for this. *cries***


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks again for the reviews and follows and favourites. Sorry this took me so long, I had computer issues and writer's block, but I'm back with a chapter, I hope is okay. I'm aware this is a sad story and some people can't deal with sadness, but no one's forcing anyone to read anything. With that being said, I hope this chapter is okay…**

_Now you're gone_

_There you go_

_Somewhere I can't bring you back_

**Four day after…**

She sat at her desk, staring blankly at the chair beside her desk.

They had caught the truck driver that had ran into Castle and brought him in yesterday. When she saw him she had completely lost it. She got away with desk duty, he got away with a bloody face and she wasn't sorry. She felt him being charged with manslaughter wasn't enough, she wanted him to die. Die like he caused the love of her life to die.

It had been four days since he passed and she didn't know how much more of this she could take. She wanted so badly for this to be a bad dream and she'd wake up and he'd be there, holding her. She didn't want to think that this was now her reality. She didn't want this reality, where there was no Castle. No Castle to throw his outrageous theories out in the air for a case, no Castle to bring her coffee, no Castle to put a smile on her face, no Castle to take her mind off of her work, no Castle to love her. No Castle. She didn't want this.

Gates had ordered her to go home when she showed up the day after, which she stubbornly refused. She didn't want to leave, where would she go? The loft that she and Castle had shared, with Martha and Alexis? His mother and daughter? Lie in their bed, the bed they had made most of their memories. She couldn't bare it, she threw herself into her work.

Although being at work wasn't much easier either, everywhere she went he was there. The chair he sat in, the mug he liked ti drink coffee out of, the espresso machine he gave to them. The pad of paper he had written a note to her on just the morning of the day he died. She just didn't know what to do.

Ryan and Esposito had tried to take her mind off of things, even Lanie, but nothing worked. They didn't speak of him for her sake, they didn't have to, he never left her mind.

"Beckett!" Esposito called.

She looked up at him.

"Got a case, you coming?" He looked at her, a bit hopeful.

She wanted to smile, seeing his concern for her, but she couldn't bring herself to.

She nodded and stood, feeling a wave of tears come up as she stared at Castle's chair for a moment, before following Esposito and Ryan to the elevator.

**Five days after…**

She emptied the bottle of scotch into the glass and gulped it down, not even feeling the burn anymore. She just wanted not to feel, to be numb. This was agony, she didn't think it was possible to live through this. She hated to admit, but this was worse than her mother's death.

She cursed at the bottle that she had emptied, she didn't even feel drunk, but she still felt the grief. She threw the bottle down on the floor, watching it shatter into a million different pieces before opening another one and continuing the cycle of pouring and drinking.

She registered the sound of a key turning in the lock and watched as Alexis and Martha came through the door, eyes widening in horror.

"Kate!" Alexis called, making her way over to her, staying clear of the shattered glass on the floor. Martha followed, reaching over to pry the bottle and glass from Kate's hand as she left herself cry.

Alexis pulled her in for a tight hug and began to cry, "I miss him too Kate." She sobbed.

"We all do." Martha added, feeling the tears form in her eyes and went over to join the two girls.

They hugged each other tightly as they let the emotion they had been hiding from each other pour out, shaking their bodies as they surrendered to the feeling of dread and grief knowing that he was gone and never coming back.

**Six days after…**

She sat up in the bed, dropping her head into her hands. Her head was pounding and her throat felt dry. For a moment she focused on her pounding head, wondering where Castle was when she registered she was alone in bed and then the crushing reality hit her that he wasn't there anymore.

She fell back into the bed and was instantly hit with the scent of him, swirling in the air and assaulting her senses. She closed her eyes and breathed in, smiling slightly, allowing herself to believe he was still here, and right beside her.

Although she knew, she couldn't help but feel disappointed when she opened her eyes and realized he wasn't there. She was never going to get used to this.

She got out of the bed and made her way over the bathroom, stepping over his clothes that he had thrown all over the place that day. She didn't have it in her to move them, she wanted everything right where he had left it. His coffee mug still remained in the sink, untouched.

She stepped into the shower, taking a seat on the built in seats and let the hot water wash over her, soothing her aching head, mixing in with the tears that silently fell from her eyes.

Even taking showers reminded her of him.

She didn't stay in there long, it was too much. She stepped out and got dressed. It was a Saturday and she didn't have work. No one was home and she didn't want to be alone, so she pulled out her phone and dialled her best friend.

"Hey girl, how you doing?" Lanie answered softly.

"Can you come over?" She asked, avoiding her question for now.

"Sure, I'll be there in five. I'll bring some food." Lanie said.

"Thanks Lanie."

"Of course Kate." She said as Kate disconnected the call.

She made her way to the living room and sat on the couch, staring around the room, waiting for Lanie to arrive.

She just didn't know what to do with herself anymore. It was now she was realizing how much Castle had changed her life, how much he had become her life. She couldn't remember what she did before he came into her life. Of course she would read his books, but now, that was too much for her.

Just as the silence was about to drive her crazy, she heard a knock at the door and got up to see who it was. She pulled the door open to find Lanie standing there with a bag of take out in her hand. She silently stepped aside, inviting Lanie in.

She moved to the kitchen to place the food there before turning to Kate, pulling her into a tight hug.

"You okay?" She whispered.

Kate shook her head, she couldn't find the voice to speak right now.

"Come on, talk to me Kate. You have to talk to someone." Lanie said, pulling Kate over to the couch, sitting on the floor in front of it, instead of on it.

She watched her friend as her eyes filled up with tears and spilled over.

"Where's Alexis and Martha?" She asked.

"They went out, I'm not sure where." She replied.

Lanie reached over and took her friend's hand.

"How are you doing Kate? Really?"

"This is hard Lanie. I can't do this."

"I know it's hard honey, but you'll get through it. You have before."

"Because of him. Who do I have now? … No offense."

"I understand. Listen, I know this hurts, but you have the rest of us, Alexis and Martha, you're not alone in this."

"I know, but it feels like I am. He was my everything Lanie."

Lanie let her cry for a bit, sitting in silence, before she spoke again.

"I can't handle this anymore, Lanie. Even when I'm working all I can do is think about him." She said softly.

"You're going to be okay Kate, I promise you." Lanie whispered, wishing she could do something, anything to bring Castle back, even she missed him, they all missed him. It's true, you never know what you have 'til it's gone and damn did that hurt.

_Now you're gone_

_There you go_

_Somewhere you're not coming back._

**End A/N: There's only going to be one more chapter to this… or two. But yea… Tell me your feels on this chapter? Thanks. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: It's Ash Wednesday, school's out for the rest of the week holla! So, how about Monday's episode of Castle? Guys. Guys. Guys. I still have not fully recovered from that and how about Stana? Someone give her all the awards right now! I can't wait for the next episode damnit! Anyways, watching me some Castle on TNT right about now as I write this… so enjoy? Well, it's a sad story sooo… yea, proceed. **

* * *

_Tho' like a wanderer,_

_The sun gone down, darkness be over me,_

_My rest a stone, yet in my dreams I'd be,_

_Nearer my God, to Thee,_

_Nearer my God, to Thee,_

_Nearer to Thee._

* * *

**Seven days after…**

This could not be happening again. The tears stung her eyes as she walked through the cold, empty hallway, barely breathing. She played with her ring on her left, fourth finger, trying to gain strength from the silver band. Why was the world doing this to her?

She wiped at her face to clear the tears and clear her vision, sucking in a sharp breath, she stopped at the heavy metal doors. She shut her eyes and held her breath, trying to calm her nerves. She wished he was here and he could hold her, tell her that everything would be okay, but he wasn't and she would have to deal with that.

She slowly pushed open the doors, stepping into the dark room. It was cold and empty and filler her with dread. Why did she come here? She needed the closure, she reminded herself. He needed to know. So she moved to where he was, in the middle of the room.

She had found out last night and went through a crushing wave of emotions. Her first thought was to call him and tell him the news, but then when she remembered he wasn't there, she broke down only to be found by Martha hours later. She told her the news and then Alexis came home, they tried to be happy for her, but the sadness that surrounded all three of them hung heavily in the air.

His funeral was tomorrow and she had done enough talking to stones, she didn't want to tell him news thing big that way. So she took a decision to tell him, the day before it all became official.

She dragged a chair from another table and placed it beside where he was, sitting heavily, she exhaled. She closed her eyes and leaned forward, holding her head in her hands, fighting back the tears that were stinging her eyes.

Slowly, she raised her head to look at him. He didn't look like himself at all, it was like it wasn't even him.

"I hate you for this." She started, her breath shaking.

"How could you leave me? Leave us Castle? How – "Her voice broke and she ducked her head, trying to gather the strength to continue.

"I'm pregnant." She whispered, looking around the room, wondering if he was here, "six weeks."

"Honestly, I thought if anyone would have died first it would have been me. At least you'd know what to do with a child." She laughed dryly.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this Castle. I have no idea how to do this, I always thought you'd be here for this…but you're not. They won't know their father." She shook her head and hesitantly touched his hand, it was so cold, so…not him. She withdrew her hand and placed it in her lap.

"I thought you should know… before… you know." She said, "I can't believe you're making me bury you Castle. I can't believe it."

She stood, not being able to look at him like this anymore.

"Goodbye Castle. I love you… We love you. Always."

* * *

**Eight days after…**

She watched through her sunglasses as Ryan, Esposito and four other men carried his casket up the hill. She followed the casket with her eyes until it had reached the hole dug for him.

She took a deep breath and felt an arm around her, she looked to her left and she found Alexis staring at her with watery eyes. She wrapped her arm around the girl and brought her to her, heart breaking when she felt Alexis start to cry.

This was it, this was the final moment, the last time he would be above ground and it hadn't hit her until now. She placed her hand on her stomach, wishing he would be here to watch their child grow and she hoped the child would be just like him.

She barely listened to the rest of the service, she just stared blankly at his casket, knowing his lifeless body rested in there. She could only hope that he died with no regrets. That everything they had done so far had made him happy.

She felt Alexis touch her shoulder, drawing her attention to the girl.

"Eulogy." She said.

Oh right, she was doing that. She slowly got up and made her way over to the podium, feeling all eyes on her.

She stepped up to the podium and removed her glasses, it wasn't bright and she didn't need them, but still she wore them.

She cleared her throat and began. She didn't write anything long, she didn't think she would be able to make it through.

"Richard Castle, was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Even before we met, he was what kept me alive, kept me going and I never got to tell him that. When we met and I finally got to interact with him, I couldn't stand him for a various number of reasons, but through the years, working side by side, he proved useful, not only to the cases we worked but to me, to my life. I was lost, empty, before he came into my life, I had nothing to live for, but all of that changed. No matter how much I tried to push him away…" She paused, feeling her eyes fill with water.

"He always came back, he was always there and I – "She stopped again, ducking her head, feeling the tears flow down her face.

She felt a hand on her back and looked up to see Ryan reaching for the paper she held, she handed it to him and stepped slightly to the side as Ryan put one arm around her and finished her eulogy.

"I never thought I'd find love like this and I would give anything for him to still be here. He touched many lives and will continue to do so. He had the best family and I'm so glad to have a mother in law like Martha and a step-daughter like Alexis, he was the best father, son and husband and I love him dearly. This is going to be tough to get through, but we have each other, all of us and he wouldn't want us to suffer, he would want us to move on, but then again this is Castle and I'm sure he likes the spotlight…." The crowd laughed a little, before silencing themselves once again, remembering the solemn mood as Ryan continued.

"But not like this… not like this. Castle, we're all here today to say goodbye and that we love you. I love you. We'll never forget you. Please don't forget us."

Ryan finished the speech, as the crowd clapped and Esposito escorted Beckett back to her seat.

She sat through the rest of the service as Alexis gave her eulogy and now, they were lowering him into the ground.

She stood by the casket, watching as it was lowered into the ground, letting her tears fall freely. She held on to Alexis and Martha, feeling Lanie and her father's hand on her back, offering support. She was grateful, but she would rather have him back.

As she placed the set of flowers on his casket and they buried him, forever, she realized, she would never get him back.

* * *

_Then let the way appear, steps up to heaven;_

_All that Thou sendest me,_

_In mercy given; angels to beckon me,_

_Nearer my God, to Thee,_

_Nearer my God, to Thee,_

_Nearer to Thee__._

* * *

**End A/N: The song at the beginning and end of this is called "Nearer my God to thee" and it is the last song the violinists play in Titanic when the ship was going down, I just find the music so beautiful, so I used it. I hope this chapter didn't cause too many tears and I hope you R&R and join me for the next and final chapter. Thanks! **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: We have reached the final chapter. I hope you guys have liked this fic so far, I'm sad to see it end but, it's best I end it here. So read and I'll see you at the end.**

**WARNING: Slight talk of suicide, nothing too serious, just a mention of a thought about it, incase it's a trigger for anyone.**

* * *

_Without you_

_The seeds root_

_The flowers bloom_

_The children play_

_The stars gleam_

_The poets dream_

_The eagles fly_

_Without you_

_The earth turns_

_The sun burns_

_But I die without you_

* * *

For the fourth time today she was bent over the toilet in the precinct bathroom, throwing up what little food she had managed to eat today. She sat back against the stall and rested a hand on her head, fighting back the tears that were threatening to appear again.

This wasn't how it was supposed to go, she wasn't supposed to be alone in this, she was supposed to have him here with her, holding back her hair, rubbing soothing circles on her back, whispering soothing words in her ears, promising her this would all be worth it. He was supposed to be here, hovering with his stupid concern and making her stupid decaf and making sure she ate all the stupid food she should, but he wasn't.

She heard a light tapping at the door and held her breath, wondering if she should just stay silent and maybe they would leave, but if she guessed correctly about who was on the other side of that door, they weren't going away any time soon.

"Kate?"

"Yea Lanie, I'm just coming out." She called weakly, standing slowly, hoping the nausea wouldn't hit again. She opened the door and stepped outside, stepping pass Lanie to the sinks. She turned on the tap and splashed some water on her face, she hadn't told anyone about her pregnancy yet and she hoped Lanie would ignore it her current state.

"You okay?"

No.

"Yea I'm fine."

"You sure?" Lanie asked, stepping up to her, concern clear on her face.

Kate shut off the tap and braced herself on the counter, staring at Lanie in the mirror. She looked so worried for her friend and Kate wondered if she should just tell her, it wouldn't hurt to have someone to talk to about this and figure out how to tell Martha and Alexis.

"No." She sighed, slumping her shoulders and turning around the face Lanie.

She didn't say anything, just raised her eyebrows, signaling her to go on.

Kate took a deep breath, bracing herself for whatever Lanie's reaction would be to such news.

"I'm pregnant." She whispered, not looking at Lanie, but casting her eyes to the floor instead.

"Oh sweetie, how long?" She asked, reaching out for her friend.

"Eight weeks."

"Did he know?"

"No."

"How you taking it?" She asked, embracing Kate in a tight hug.

"I don't know Lanie," She mumbled into her friend's shoulder, "This isn't how it's supposed to be. I'm not sure if I can do this on my own."

"You're not thinking of … giving the baby up are you?" She questioned, leaning back a bit so she could see Kate's face.

She shook her head, "I don't know Lanie, I mean, I'm not ready for this, not now, not without him."

Lanie took her friend by the shoulders, looking her right in the eye, "Look Kate, I know you're not ready and I know you don't want to do without him, but think about it. I know you've always wanted a kid and this is something both of you made together, out of love, you can't just throw something like that away."

Kate sighed, "I don't know how to do this Lanie." She whispered, lips trembling as Lanie pulled her close again.

"I know sweetie, but you're not alone, you have me and the boys, Martha and Alexis, even you dad. None of us would ever let you do this on your own." She stated.

She felt Kate nod against her shoulder and take in a shaky breath before she heard a weak "okay."

"Have you told anyone yet?" Lanie whispered, breaking the silence in the room.

"No. I didn't know how to."

"Well, it can wait a while, no rush okay? You can do this, just take it slow." Lanie smiled, trying to comfort her friend.

Kate nodded, "Okay."

* * *

Kate leaned against her desk, staring blankly at the murder board, they had just caught a case. Young real estate dealer found in her apartment with multiple gunshot wounds. Death was everywhere, everyday someone else died, someone's child, someone's parent, someone's friend, someone's lover, someone and there was no way they could get them back.

She laughed dryly to herself, she had been surrounded by death since she was 19 and since then she had dedicated herself to finding answers for others when she couldn't get them for herself. Her life had basically been taken over by death, her life was practically dead, but then Castle came into her life and revived her. He woke her up in so many ways and showed her that she didn't have to be so serious and morbid all the time that she could dream, that she had a life and all that was required of her was that she lived that life and so she did. But as quickly as she chose to live that life, the universe decided against it and took her life from her.

If death was a person, she was sure he was laughing at her telling her, "I bet you thought you got rid of me, but I'm back."

Death was a bitch.

She found herself some nights, befriending a bottle, ignoring sleep, not even bothering to fight the insomnia anymore. It didn't matter, the minute she'd close her eyes, she would see his face, his blue eyes twinkling and crinkling as they did whenever he smiled, but then that smile would be wiped away and her brain would recreate his accident in a new way every time, each time more devastating than the other, but they always had one outcome. He died.

Sometimes she wondered if it was worth it, to go on living, without him she was an empty shell, what was the point? She'd think about it, more than was healthy, but then thinking about it at all wasn't healthy to begin with.

At this point, sleeping was pointless, but so was staying awake, so she drove. She would drive to all different places in the night, somewhere his memory remained, but for some reason calmed her. She drove to the park mostly and sat on the swing, wishing he would appear on the swing beside her, if not just for one more time, so she could say she loved him again, but he wouldn't so she would go back home.

It was a never ending cycle of this, for the next month, she hadn't visited his grave since his funeral. She couldn't.

She shook her head, bringing her hand to mouth, fighting off the fresh wave of nausea that hit her as Esposito came over with a steaming cup of coffee.

"Anything?" He inquired, his voice unusually soft.

"No." She spoke.

She wasn't even looking, she had been staring at the board for the past half hour, but she couldn't tell you what was on it. She needed Castle for this, to reel off his theories of aliens or government conspiracies, she would give anything to listen to him talk about aliens right now.

"Coffee?" He asked, holding the cup out to her.

Before she could answer, the nausea hit her and she ran for the break room, making it just in time to dry heave over the sink. She felt Esposito's presence in the room, followed by another, Ryan she assumed.

"You okay Beckett?" Esposito asked, tilting his head to one side.

"She's pregnant." She heard Ryan say, she didn't have the strength to even deny it.

"How do you know?" Esposito asked, turning to Ryan who was staring sympathetically at Kate.

"Morning sickness and she has the look, Jenny had that look." Ryan informed Esposito.

"Beckett?" Esposito asked, looking to Beckett for the confirmation.

She nodded.

"I'm so sorry." Ryan whispered, coming in to give her a hug.

Esposito watched, until giving in a hugging her too, God knows she needed it.

* * *

She was back at her desk, staring once again at the board that was a more filled out now thanks to Ryan and Esposito. They were closing in on their suspect, they, had him in interrogation now, but Beckett had decided to skip out. She couldn't do an interrogation without him.

Her eyes drifted to his empty chair, the chair he had claimed those years ago, the chair he would sit in and watch her or annoy her. She allowed a small smile to creep onto her face, remembering all the banter they had with him in that chair, then she was hit with an overwhelming feeling of sadness and desperation and suddenly she couldn't breathe, she couldn't do this anymore, not without him.

She stood and made her way over to Gate's office, knocking on the door, not bothering to wait for an answer to enter.

"Detective, is everything alright?" She asked, giving Kate her attention.

Kate opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it as she wasn't quite sure what she was even going to say.

"Beckett?"

Kate looked at her boss and took a deep breath.

"Sir, I can't do this anymore." She said.

"I imagine this is hard for you, you can take all the time off you need detective."

She shook her head, "No sir, I _can't _do _this anymore_."

The captain seemed to have understood what she was saying.

"You're resigning."

She nodded.

"I thought I could continue working here and not be affected but sir this is where – "Her voice broke. She lowered her head and tried to compose herself before looking up and speaking again.

"This is where everything began, _everything_ reminds me of him and I can't do this anymore."

"I understand Detective, you stayed on longer than I imagined you would. I admire your strength. I understand you need to move on, it'd be best for you and your child."

Kate's head snapped up,"You know?"

"Kate, I'm a woman and a mother, I know the signs. You just make sure you take good care of little Castle."

She nodded, "Thank you sir, I will. My resignation will be in by morning."

"And Kate, take care of yourself too okay?" She said, voice softer than she'd ever heard.

"Yes sir." She answered, heading back to her desk.

She reached for her bag and began putting her belongings into it. She didn't bother fight the tears that began to fall. She stood and looked around the room, this had been her home for so long, her safe haven and she didn't know just how she would be able to move on without it, but she had to because death had touched it and she wanted to serve death a restraining order, but death wasn't a person otherwise, she'd like to bring death to himself.

"Beckett?" She heard Ryan call to her.

Ryan and Esposito stood by Ryan's desk, glancing between her empty desk, her red eyes and the bag in her hand.

"You're taking a leave?" Esposito asked.

She smiled, she would miss them, but she would still see them.

"No Espo, I'm leaving."

She could see the flashes of surprise and sadness flash across his face and the plain sadness that settled over Ryan's features.

"You're leaving?" He whispered.

She nodded, "I can't do this anymore guys, I've got to move on."

Ryan and Esposito shared a glance, "We'll still see you right? You won't disappear?"

"I don't know, but I know I'll miss you guys too. Goodbye." She said, coming over to hug them both.

When she stepped back, she could see the tears forming in their eyes, making her cry even more. They quickly drew her back in for another tight hug before finally letting her go.

"Goodbye Beckett."

She stopped to tell Lanie the news before she headed where she needed to go. Lanie was more devastated than the boys and didn't even try to stop the tears that came rushing out, but she understood and she wished her well, told her to visit, not to disappear.

She wouldn't, not forever at least. She needed to get out of here, out of New York for a while, there were just too many bad memories, but not forever, she had to come back to where Castle's spirit lived.

* * *

Her hands shook as she looked out the window of the cab when they had reached their destination. She quickly paid the driver and stepped out, pausing to let the cool evening air breeze around her, Castle's spirit was here, she could feel it.

She began walking, making her way to where he was, where she left him, it was time for this, maybe that's why his spirit was still here, he needed a proper goodbye. As she reached his gravestone, she trailed her finger lightly over it, tears blurring her vision. She sat down in front of it, leaning her head against it.

"I quit the NYPD." She said, "I just couldn't do it without you."

"Morning sickness is a bitch," She laughed, "You should be here for this, hovering like you do, so I can take out all my hormonal anger and sadness on you."

She looked up towards the sky, smiling as she saw birds flying around and heard them chirping in the trees, a sign that life continues on.

"I'm going away Castle, not forever, but for a while, New York just isn't the same anymore. I don't know where I'll go, but I've got to go." She placed her hand over his name on the headstone, "But I'll be back, I can't leave forever. I can't leave Martha and Alexis and I certainly can't leave you. I've got to stay where you are. I couldn't keep your mom and daughter away from this pregnancy either, I'm pretty sure they'd want to be around for it."

She took a breath, feeling a bit more calm now, feeling surround by him and completely safe, like he was right beside her, holding her.

"I haven't told them yet, that's my next trip. Lanie, Ryan, Esposito and Gates know though."

"I'm sorry I haven't been here since we buried you, I just couldn't" She let the fresh wave of tears spill down her cheeks.

"But I'm here now, because I know you needed me to come. I needed me to come, to say goodbye and I love you. I love you so much Castle, please don't ever forget that."

She could still feel his presence around her as she stood.

Somewhere in the distance, or maybe not so distant, she could swear she heard a voice, a voice so familiar, so comforting utter that one word that made her feel okay, feel like she could move on. A word that represented so much in her lifetime, which carried more feeling, more meaning than any other word she knew. She knew it wasn't possible, that maybe her mind was playing tricks on her, making her hear what she so desperately wanted to hear. But as she walked away, hand on her belly, she took comfort in the imagined whisper of _"__Always."_

* * *

_Without you_

_The eyes gaze_

_The legs walks_

_The lungs breathe_

_The mind churns_

_The heart yearns_

_The tears dry without you_

_Life goes on but I'm gone_

_'Cause I die without you__._

* * *

**End A/N: Well, that is the end of When You're Gone, thank you all for reading and favouriting and following and reviewing and everything, this is my first finished multi-chapter fic and I really thank you for giving me the support and motivation to keep writing it and now it's over I'm going to write another story relating to this, soon, related to Castle himself, so look out for that. Once again, thank you so much for sticking with me, I hope you liked this fic Bye! Apologies for any errors! No Beta, flying solo here. (I hope there's nothing I'm forgetting to say, because I always forget something…)**

**Oh and the song I used is – "Without You" from the movie Rent.**


	6. Chapter 6

I didn't want to post it here, but "Beside You" is Castle's point of view of this story, if you're interested. Yes, dead Castle's POV. Please read and tell me what you think? Thanks 


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